Theresa

Running at night always offers mental clarity that just isn't there typically.  The day is almost over, my mind at rest without the never-ending daily list looming before me.  It is often a little retreat, churning details of life over and over until there is some resolution, some sense of peace.  The other night was a time that I needed one of these mind clearing, soul purifying runs.

I have been thinking of Theresa a lot lately.  It was almost dark, the winter sun still shedding a glow across the sky, the stars hiding behind a veil of faint light, the air icy, actually feeling like the winter we really haven't had this year.  The anniversary of Theresa passing away is upon us and it has been weighing on my heart.  While my feet were beat.beat.beating the ground all I could hear was her last breaths and remember how I wanted to run away.  Still, I want to scrub the memory of her labored breathing from my memories.
Yet, they remain.  All the the memories will linger, the good with the bad.

Theresa was always living for the moment, never giving too much thought to what was ahead.  As she went through treatment she held on to the hope for a miracle; we all did.  It was discouraged, albeit silently, to discuss the very real possibility of death.  We wanted to keep her spirits up, but ignoring reality didn't make it less real.  I wish desperately that I would have spoken of death.  To ignore the path she was traveling was essentially abandoning her as she walked it alone.  This is a mistake that I will never repeat with a loved one.  Not that we want to immerse ourselves talking about death, but to visit the topic occasionally would have been healthy.

We gathered as a family yesterday to remember Theresa.  Often I have felt guilty about not crying enough, not being absolutely grief-stricken....at least on the outside. But that is not how Theresa would have lived had it been one of us that died.  And, for me, from the time of her initial diagnosis til her death it was a gradual good-bye.  With each bad report my heart let go a little more.  Sitting on the edge of the treadmill in the quiet of the early morning the tears would fall.  But then the day would begin, and I'd move on.  There was breakfast to be made, clothes to be laundered, a family to care for.

And that is it still how it is is, there is still a household to maintain. My heart aches for my siblings that don't have a family to immerse themselves in.  How much more poignant their loss must feel.  Not that I bury my grief in my children, but I realize there is so much more to live for and so much more that needs to be done.

Theresa will always live in my heart.  If we truly believe our Faith, it is only a veil that separates us.  A thin veil.  Just like the lingering sunlight that hides the stars from our sight, she is near us, we just can't see her.

Pie Making Gone Wrong

Nickles loves to help in the kitchen, but sometimes gets a little wild and crazy.  We were making apple pies last week and he got entirely too carried away!

It all began quite innocently, 

filling the pie shells.

"Ya know, it's getting kinda warm...."

"....that's better, now I can focus on getting the job done."

"Alright, Mom, you just step aside.  I'll take it from here."

"This is my kinda cooking....a total disaster."

"Good job, Mom, you cleaned up a bit, now I can get CRAZY!"

"Who needs a rolling pin???"

"Sweet, there's an imprint of my belly button!"

"And that, folks, is how it's done."

***word to the wise....don't eat pie at the Bell house ~

Michaela's Surgery

Ahh, February 8th finally arrived.  A month has passed since Michaela tore her ACL  Between a slight misdiagnosis and waiting for the surgeon to fit her in his schedule it has seemed like a long road to even beginning her recovery.

We arrived bright and early at the SurgiCenter only to play the hurry-up and-wait game.  What we had been told would be a two hour surgery became longer, but everything went well which is all that matters.  It just mads Momma a little worried while she was waiting.  Despite the wait, the quiet time spent in prayer focused on solely one child, coupled with reading a book that my soul needs, was actually a mini retreat.

Stretching the old leg out prior to surgery

See you on the other side ~

Ski Day

I love to ski.
I love to skip a day of school in order to ski even more.  For some reason on mornings that we are headed out the door to go skiing, things get wild and crazy, so much so that I almost bail every.single.time.

Then we get on the road, pray our Rosary, actually make it to the ski hill, unload the piles of gear (no matter how much I scale back it is a tight load) get our tickets and the day suddenly is wonderful.  It is more peaceful when my little bro is there to help, but even when he is not, it's a relaxing day.

We were expecting blue skies today, instead it was overcast.  No matter ~ the kiddos had a wonderful time and it was filled with laughs.  Grandma was able to join us; that made everyone's day.  Michaela even went along for the ride and did her schoolwork in the lodge.  School at the ski hill ain't so bad!

I was able to get a couple runs in with Dom and Annika.  Dom loves the "twee twails."
Me, not so much.
I warned him it wasn't the safest to ski through them.  Alas, he didn't listen.  As I waited for him to emerge from the trees I heard a thud and turned to see him straddling a tree.    He isn't one to learn fast when he is convinced something is fun, so about five minutes later he was stuck on another tree trail, digging his ski out of the snow.
And his mean Mom let him figure it out on his own.
I think he missed Uncle Joey's pockets of candies that he is typically treated to!

I am ready for the rest of the week now, batteries recharged, a day of being completely unplugged is so wonderful for the heart!

This used to be a total stressor, 

now my skis bear so many scars it no longer matters who skis over them!

My little wild and crazy man ~

"I'm cold, I need hot chocwat."

Code for, "I want to ride the elevator."

See ya later alligator!

I know, I know, I shouldn't have taken the picture, but I simply couldn't help myself ~

The Magic Carpet is the littles' favorite ~

Michaela ~ I'm a faster skier than you are right now!