Monday, September 9, 2013

Baby Max

We named our little guy a couple weeks ago.  His name is Maximilian Joseph.  Father Stu had some pull in using Max for the first name.  We were going to use it for a middle name, and couldn't decide on a first name, but it just seemed right after a while.  It feels good to at least have a name for the little guy, no matter how short our time is with him.

Max is moving like a wild man now, which unfortunately is encouraging for me.  I don't tend towards optimism but now that everything "feels" normal I kinda begin thinking it is.  While visiting with my midwife today I explained all my thoughts.  She reviewed the notes with me so that I live in reality and avoid that wonderful state of delusion.

When you're told your baby will probably die any day, and pass that information on to family and friends, one part of you feels a little silly when, weeks later, "your baby is poppin' out" as Nicholas so eloquently puts it.  Not that I'd have it any other way.  I cannot bring myself to buy maternity clothes because I'm afraid I'll jinx his little life.  Very logical, I know.  It's just a bag of mixed feelings, frankly.  If there is to be a miracle, I'm happy.  If little Max is to die shortly before or after birth, well, I just don't know how I feel.  I'm scared that I'll totally fall apart I guess!  So, I continue to pray for a heart filled with peace.
And that's all that can be done.  Except, appreciate what a person has been given too!

I'm grateful for my three girls ~
Not too girlie....they are just right!


  1. Beautiful name you've chosen for that little angel. We are continuing our prayers for you guys...I will keep asking for a miracle but God's will be done!

  2. Oh Allison - what a confusing time for your heart! I know you are surrounded by people who love and support you. Be sure to be gentle with yourself, too. Max is blessed to have you for a mother. May God embrace you both. loveyoumeanit....