Thoughts ~

So many thoughts have been tumbling around in my head about this pregnancy.  Sometimes it's self pity, other times it's sadness, sometimes it's peace with the cross we have been given to carry.

~ While attending a bridal shower this past week, mothers in the room gave advice to the new mother.  Typically, I find this an educational and entertaining part of a bridal or baby shower.  But one mother made me think about things I may have said in the past.  Her advice was that while many mothers are praying for a healthy child, it's okay to pray for a beautiful child as well.

I bit my cheeks til they stung to keep tears from pouring out.  It may be okay, but is it really what is important?  Really, you're a mother and will think your baby is beautiful despite his squished up face, or chimpanzee-like hair, or lopsided neck, or broken out complexion!  Even if you don't think they are particularly pretty at the moment, they are beautiful because they're part of you and someone that you love the most, infused with a soul given by God. 

I hate when I feel so emotional as that moment at the shower.  I wanted to excuse myself, crawl in a hole and cry. And unfortunately I wanted to tell the woman how wrong she was, but then, I knew my words have stung others to the quick before and this was a just punishment.  The lady was completely ignorant to what she had said anyway.  Besides, this was a joyful time.  A young mother is expecting her first child and life is still good amidst sorrow.

Annika on a dairy farm field trip with Grams ~

~ I was reading about fetal development a few weeks ago.  Each part of our body is so amazingly magnificent.  One statement regarding the brain was, "It's not so shocking that occasionally development goes awry, but how many times it goes so very right."

Perfectly normal, fighting imaginary enemies in the grass ~ 

~ When I made the decision a while ago to simply enjoy this pregnancy for what it was I wasn't oblivious to the fact that there would still be difficult moments.  Shannon called from hunting camp last week, he had been thinking about what we would do funeral-wise if Max makes it to term.  At the moment I was searching the internet for the perfect outfit for Max if he is born alive, knowing full well that it could possibly be what he will be buried in too. It was good to just sit on the phone and cry together as we talked about these very real subjects.  

I did end up finding a good outfit, totally something my boys would wear.  But then, I remembered Max would need a blanket too. This is what all the other kiddos had so I would sew Max one as well.  The perfect fabric was chosen, sewn into a blanket and now awaits his arrival.  Who knows, we may be bringing him home and I would hate to be caught unprepared.

Little tractors.... just like his brothers ~

~ I have been totally overwhelmed by the support of friends.  Each time a note or gift arrives in the mail I feel so undeserving, so small, so unworthy, so absolutely bare.  After the tears stop I realize how blessed I am.  Thank you for the gift of each of you ~

Just a picture that makes me happy ~ 

Joshie and another creature.

~ Another thing that has happened that has offered me a chance to simply smile and be joyful is when people find out you're are expecting.  You know the remarks ~

"Oh, how exciting!"

"Congratulations!  Have you chosen names?"

"Do you know what you're having?"

The first time it happened I wasn't prepared.

At all.

The poor guys that commented will probably never remark on pregnancy again.  Because I can be too matter-of-fact, I simply said, "Yeah, well, thanks, but my baby is dying." 

Nice, huh?   I had just left a doctor's appointment and was still processing all the information we had been given.  Since then, I've changed my response. Because "Thank you" is appropriate.  Even if little Max dies, he is still a gift, an opportunity to see life through a different lens, an opportunity to stretch and grow.