Through the Clouds

While driving up the Pass through driving snow I could feel the sun trying to burn through the clouds, but the clouds were too stubborn.  The weather felt just like my spirit over the past days.  Intellectually, I know the sun is right there, that days will feel joyful again, but just not yet. Right now, our hearts are still in the middle of a snowstorm.

Theresa passed away last Tuesday and in one sense a cloud that had been hanging over us lifted, but another settled.  This one doesn't seem quite as dark, as Theresa is no longer suffering, but it's still palpable.  I am sad for us, a selfish sadness; certainly if we knew her joy we would be unable to mourn.

Theresa is here in the smallest moments and I will find myself crying, only to be interrupted by the immediate needs of a little one.
The phone will ring, and for a moment I will think it may be her...calling to ask some seemingly mundane question.

But then I remember.

The small moments ~ that's where life is at ~ the quick phone call, spontaneous text, a book read for the 2000th time ~ not the huge celebrations.  It is in day-to-day living, the chaos, the seemingly endless stream of unimportance.  I tend to forget that ~ forget that how I do the little things is much more important than what I do.

On my last birthday, Theresa and her family celebrated with us.  It was the last normal day we had together, within a couple weeks she would learn she had leukemia again. Other than being a birthday celebration it was an average day...walking through meadows, past a creek, then racing back to the cars through a sudden spring downpour.
At the time there was nothing particularly special about the day, but it was my favorite day ever, even before this darn cancer blindsided Theresa.
Now it will forever be etched on my heart as a treasure...a day filled to the brim with randomness, no plans, no glorious celebration, whose sum was so perfect it had to be planned from eternity...and isn't that what we should strive for?