Home!

The NICU nurses and doctor had been mentioning we may be able to return home Monday, but when on Saturday they began giving us paperwork my hopes began to rise that we may escape a bit earlier.
After going to Mass with Amy on Sunday, I was at our little motel room, when Max's nurse called with discharge paperwork.  Of course the iPad, my only means of communicating with Shannon had been left in Max's room.  I frantically packed up our belongings, then jogged back to the hospital....100 steps across the parking lot, across a street, 64 paces down the sidewalk, 102 steps crossing a second parking lot, then 4 blocks to the front doors of the hospital and up to the 6th floor.  Yep, I had paced it off a few times trying to focus on anything but creepies lurking in the shadows.

Shannon was preparing to leave home when I finally reached him, but he made super-quick time up to get us.  The kiddos were not aware that we'd be returning the same evening so it was a bit of a surprise to them. Unfortunately, their mother had posted it on FB which they saw about 15 minutes prior to our arrival.

So, we are home.  A new normal is beginning to reveal itself.  The forthcoming months will be crazy and I'll always be a bit watchful as we observe Max for all the milestones he will need to physically achieve.
But....like Shannon keeps reminding me, we are in the bonus round now.  Anything from here on out is an extra ~ we have our little boy home!

I'll let the pics speak for themselves ~

Bravery ~

For those that think I'm brave, I'm not.  This is difficult to admit, but I'm afraid of the dark.  And afraid to enter empty buildings by myself. I'm especially afraid to walk into an empty building in the dark.  When my kiddos are with me I can pretend to be brave, but when I'm alone, forget it.  My heart races, imaginary creatures hide in every shadow, I'm jumpier than a jackrabbit.  The last couple nights while Shannon has been in Helena I have been walking back and forth between the hospital and the motel. 

In the dark.  

Entering a dark building in the dark.  

It's been bad. 

When Shannon called to check up on me I nearly jumped out of my skin simply from the phone's ring. 

Max's nurse asked if I'd be back for night feedings.

Um, no.  Unless you'll come pick me up.  

She declined.  

If I could just get past all the monsters hiding in the shrubbery and sneaking through the shadows, it would be a beautiful walk.  

                                     The iPad's camera makes it appear much lighter than it is!

E I

The Handprint of God

The last months have brought some amazing people into our lives that we would have never known except for this pregnancy with Max.  Friendships have developed due to a sharing of hearts that may not have occurred.  Having to deliver Max in another hospital, in an unfamiliar town, was intimidating.  The nurses and doctors that have been present at our older children's births were absent and I dreaded it all.  However, despite my lack of faith (oh Lord, when am I going to learn???) His hand was on us every step of the way.

The days prior to Max's delivery I was overly anxious about the spinal block.  When I am in the middle of labor I could care less what someone has to do to take the pain away, but having to receive a shot in the back when I am not in pain scared the dickens out of me.  As luck would have it, the anesthetist that was to be present for the c-section was an old highschool classmate of Shannon's.  He ensured that I wasn't nervous as he was administering the anesthetic and even made certain this terribly modest mama was covered up despite making his job more difficult.  

Of course all the nurses were wonderful, but one truly left a mark on my heart.  Kim took care of us Sunday during the day and besides helping me through some difficult post-op moments, we had some terrific conversations, mostly just about family matters. Later in the evening, while Shannon was running errands, she stopped by our room.  She had went to Mass following work and we had been in her thoughts.  Other than Max being in the NICU, she had no idea what we had been through, she simply felt as though she needed to bring a bottle of holy water, a Rosary blessed by Pope Benedict and a certain holy card up to us, which unbeknownst to her had the prayer I have turned to each time I was feeling overwhelmed the past months.  I was absolutely touched.  After making me promise to use the Rosary, she left.  Imagine Shannon's surprise when he returned to find me in tears!  I immediately sent Shan down to bless Max's bed and Max as well.  

We happened to run into Kim a couple days later in the elevator.  I was able to give her the quick version of Max's little life and pulled the holy water from my pocket where I've been keeping it to bless Max's lips each morning before he begins eating.  (So much for a medically sterile environment!)  Kim showed me how acting on nudges from the Holy Spirit can leave the handprint of God on another person.  

At the risk of making Sacramentals appear to be superstitious talismans, the regular blessings must have kicked in because he began eating last night like he was born for the job.  His feeding tube was removed today and he began nursing versus using the bottle at his last feeding.  Yesterday I was fairly certain he was never going to get it.  I even spent a care time curled up in our motel room crying, thinking his brain was simply not going to allow him to function correctly....pretty faith-filled mom after all we have witnessed the last months!  It's embarrassing, really.   But onward and upward.  It is a strong possibility that we head home tomorrow or Sunday.  

Hip-hip-hooray!!!!

                                            Completely tuckered out after his last feeding ~ 

Max - Day 5

Holy buckets....five days.  It seems like Max has been here for much longer than that.  I have been discharged from the hospital now, so it's not as easy as running down a floor to see our little guy.  I think I suffered from displacement syndrome yesterday and was feeling kinda sorry for myself until we got in the elevator with a couple that I thought surely must have just had their babe by how difficult it was for the woman to move.  They had had their baby the same day as we had.  I felt so blessed just to be moving around with little discomfort.  I need to count my blessings before beginning to despair!

While Max is nursing, he is not nursing well, kind of distractable he is.  Nursing is good until something more interesting occurs which is often in about 14.3 seconds.  It's difficult to get enough nutrition in that time span.  The nurses didn't really have much to offer in the way of solid advice which led to a great deal of frustration yesterday.  After visiting with Amy and another young nurse, we have a plan and my heart is at peace with Max not being a voracious nurser at the moment.

Happy Birthday Maximilian Joseph!

You're so special, oh so special,
God gave you to us!
It's no wonder that we love you so!

Saturday was packed with emotions: fear, anxiety, hope, and finally, joy!  The little jumping bean that arrived screaming was a surprise to us all.  After the past months of surrendering to God's will in our life, to be given this absolute gift was joy beyond compare.

As I prepared to leave our children at home and head to the hospital one person was heavily on my heart: Theresa.  I have no idea why, but everything that happened, she was there.  As Shannon dropped me off at the front doors of the hospital, she was there.  Walking down the halls of an unknown hospital, filled with fear, tears almost spilling over, she was there.  Changing into the hospital gown, she was there.  Waiting while we were prepped for surgery, she was there.  Was she spiritually walking beside me, or did I need to know how she felt as she entered the hospital each time in her last battle with leukemia?

Maybe both.

But on to Mighty Max, as Aunt Colleen dubbed him....he is amazing!  Back in July I remember a conversation with John, T's husband.  He had asked if there was any hope, to which I could only give the response our doctor had given us, "No."  That answer was reaffirmed this morning upon our visit with the doctor.  Where there was no hope, there is hope.  Where there was sorrow....only joy!  He made his debut screaming, a whoppin' 4 pounds, 5 ounces.  His feet seem to be the only thing about him that grew according to schedule.  Shannon is signing him up for swim lessons as soon as we escape the confines of the hospital in hopes that he'll put Michael Phelps to shame.  Of course, his godfather, Fr. Stu, is convinced he'll be the first wrestler in the family, I say nay-nay.
But, I digress.  He was swimming in only about 2 tablespoons of amniotic fluid and his cord was completely stretched out and twisted tight due to his constant motion. He was on oxygen for a few hours following birth, but transitioned to room air without an issue.  Right now we're working on getting him to nurse, he has already taken a bottle.  Since feeding was a concern, we are elated.

After treasuring every moment with Max the last few months, feeling each kick, noting every flutter, when I hold him on my chest I already feel as though I've known him forever.  Each wave of his arm, every jump, is familiar.  I guess, maybe I was too busy moving with all the others to focus on their little personalities in utero.  Since we thought we'd lose Max we sucked up every last minute we had with him.

So that's that.  We will be in the hospital for a while til the squirt begins gaining weight and can eat proficiently.  Of course, now I'm allowing myself to be optimistic and am hoping for next Monday but we shall see.  Since God's hand has been so apparent these past months I will leave this to him as well.  He does such a perfect job!

Baby Update ~

Yesterday we had another ultrasound, which, thank heavens, will be our last!  Max will be delivered tomorrow, Saturday, in Great Falls.  We're excited, anxious, and can't wait to meet our new brother and son.  Whatever may happen tomorrow we are ready....well, maybe "ready" is a bit too strong of a word.  But we do know we have an awesome support team in you, The Body of Christ.
Once again, thank you, thank you, thank you!

The Harvests

Katherine has been hunting the last couple years pretty hard for as young as she is.  Her cousin had harvested animals with little effort and Kath was simply a little disappointed.  She hunted quite a bit with Grandpa last season and a few times this year.  Katherine would listen to Michaela's story of getting her first bull with Grandpa and hoped maybe that she'd get hers with Grandpa as well because it is always a great adventure.

This morning Shannon and Eric, Grandpa and Katherine headed out in different directions.  Sometime around 10:00 Katherine came dancing into the house with a smile as wide as Montana.  She had harvested her first bull and could hardly keep her feet on the ground.

Congratulations on your first bull, Katherine!

    

Then, there is Eric.  This is his first year hunting and as luck would have it he shot his first buck on opening day.  Unfortunately, now he will always think that is what will happen.  Sometimes a person is simply lucky. He made a fantastic shot, though!

Congrats on your first buck, Eric!

Letting Go and Letting God

As many know, I am a person who likes to be in charge.  This situation with Max has truly humbled me.  I am certainly not in charge, unable to even prevent people from praying for us!  Obviously, this is not something I should want to prevent, but I'm not especially excited about having to be prayed for.  And I don't want to be "one of those people."  You know, the ones where it seems like bad things have happened to them recently.  This is definitely a pride issue.  I guess I simply don't want to need prayer.  The last few months have shown me how very much that I do need prayer and in letting go, my heart is at peace.

In August we decided to discontinue seeing the specialist every two weeks because it was too difficult to hear the same information with no hope infused whatsoever.  Shannon and I both decided to consciously let go of the situation and enjoy the pregnancy, letting the chips fall where they may, but knowing (because that's what we had been told) that we wouldn't have a baby in the end.

After our appointment where we heard all the good news regarding many of the defects no longer being present I was in a bit of a state of dismay, not quite able to wrap my head around all the information.  Later, I was at our neighbor's house watching the girls ride horses when our friend, Annie, made a statement that I have been contemplating a lot.  She touched my stomach and said, "Just look, Allison.  Look what happens when you let go and let God.  You decided to simply enjoy your baby for what he was and look what has happened."

And that touched my soul.

Now, I need to remember that daily.  "Allison, let go and let God."  It is so simple, yet so profound.  It is not something I am good at, yet know that I am called to practice.  To let go of what I want to control and let God make all things perfect as He sees fit.

Halloween

We are heathens ~ celebrating Halloween and all.  Actually, we don't really celebrate it, we just go out and collect candy.  The kids have fun dressing up as heaven-knows-what and I have fun dressing them up.  It is hilarious to see them as we head to town all dressed up, wondering at their good fortune to be leaving the house in such awesome apparel, definitely a departure from every-day-life.  And I must say, I laugh every year at their absolute shock that they can walk up to someone's door, knock, and have candy dumped into their bag.  It is definitely legalized robbery.  There is always a slight twinge of guilt, but that only lasts up to the first door.

We thought about giving our kiddos a lesson in socialism, redistribution of  wealth, etc. this year by confiscating half the olders' candy and redistributing it to the youngers ourselves, but decided against it.  They did have to pay Daddy a gas tax in chocolate, though.  They didn't mind.  He only got the little pieces anyway.

Dom's scary face 

Nickles just wanted a "wocket"

lucky Daddy!

Ooooo, look at all their faces!

Deep conversation ~

And Nickles is out ~

He hasn't even begun the hard work.

Three cowboys, Indiana Jones & two snakes ~

Checkin' out the loot ~

Inventorying her candy...smart girl!

Shannon said that this year was definitely the final year of trick-or-treating and is already planning an All Saints Day party for next year.  We shall see.  If he does all the planning I'm all in!

Max Update

We had a checkup in Great Falls yesterday.  Max is doing good at the moment.  His growth has slowed, however, and the cerebellum issue is still present, darn it.  Now he is in the 3rd percentile for a little guy his age.  Since his growth is measurably slowing, we will be going in for every-other-day fetal monitoring....goody gumdrops....I just love the hospital.  The doctor said we need to be keenly aware of Max's well-being so we don't end up rescuing him, instead delivering him right when he's ready.  Having never been in that category of women that deliver early, when Dr. Key told me to bring a packed bag next week to my appointment, panic set in. Hard.

Then, he wrapped up the conversation by saying to make sure I was taking it easy at home.

Hahahahahaha ~ I coulda swore that I had mentioned seven other children.

So that's that.  We are looking forward to meeting our little guy next week if that is what happens.  With his brain issues the doctor said his concern is coordination.  We are just praying that he gets the whole nursing thing right off the bat. That will be a strong indication of what the future holds for all of us!

Again, and words simply are not adequate, thank you, thank you, thank you for your prayers and your support.  This has been a bit of a crazy ride, especially for someone who loves being in control of every aspect of life.

The barn project that Shannon is finishing up this week ~

Our new home site ~

At least in my dreams!

Hunting

Recently, a friend asked me if I ever felt a bit bitter about hunting.  My immediate response was that hunting season afforded me the freedom to do a few things that I typically wouldn't do if Shannon was around and I was just used to hunting season since that's what I grew up with. But after thinking about it for a while, Shannon's hunting doesn't bother me for other reasons.

First of all, if I ever need Shannon to stay home, he does in a heartbeat.  Often, even if I don't know that I need him home, he knows that I need him home and won't go hunting.  I know that I'm his priority so I have never felt like a "hunting widow."  Over the years, he has made sure I have time for me, so I feel hunting season is time for him.

When Shannon comes home after a good hike or hunt he is invigorated and that fills my heart up.  I see the man I married when he arrives home with a good story, his voice filled with the excitement of one of the kids. He is able to give more at home and to work when his cup is full.  What better way to fill it than spending time in God's creation!

The way he shares his love of the outdoors with the kiddos relieves me of some of the stress of having all the kids at home by myself.  Even him taking one or two makes things just a wee bit easier at home, kind of a "divide and conquer" approach.  And....I do have to admit that when Shannon is not at home, our dinners are super laid back.....something that simplifies my life a bit!

There is also the fact that I love how Shannon is slightly grizzled and woodsy when he arrives home from a couple days hunting.  Maybe the mountain man look kinda works for me.  He keeps saying he is going to make a "mountain man" cologne and see if it sells.  Who knows, it may!

The bottom line is I love what hunting does for Shannon.  He doesn't take advantage of the season, he has his cherubs with him, and he is renewed body and soul.

So, my dear friend, had my brain engaged before my mouth, this is what I would have said ~:o)

Our annual leaf walk

Raspberry Rolls & Menu

A few years ago a wicked relative introduced us to the Pioneer Woman website.  Michaela was immediately smitten with all the pictures of farm life that accompanied the recipes on the site.  I was taken with the delosh cinnamon rolls.  They are good.  Maybe a little too good.  They have become a staple around our house, especially during the colder months.

A few weeks ago, a friend was telling us all about the wonderful raspberry-cream cheese rolls at a bakery not far from here.  When Annika and I took a roadie down there to purchase flour for the next few months we decided we must at least try the rolls this guy was salivating over.  Unfortunately, we were slightly disappointed.  They were big, but that's about it.

After thinking about the rolls for a few days, I decided they had promise, just needed a little fine tuning.  I whipped up a batch of Pioneer Woman's cinnamon roll dough, rolled it out, covered it with raspberry jam and butter versus butter, cinnamon and sugar, then cut them into rolls as usual.  After baking, they were slathered with cream cheese frosting.

Now, I am not typically one to say how wonderful something I made is, but am making an exception.  These were something magnificent, especially if raspberries are your thing.  We took some to my brother and a neighbor for sampling ~ they were a hit!  This week we made another batch and delivered them to Shannon's friend who began this whole new sinful indulgence ~ his exact words were, "I'm not sure how you live with that woman without dying of cardiac arrest."

Here's the link for the dough recipe for anyone inclined to try these.  Just make sure you make them in several small pans to give away so you don't eat them all!
AND eat them right out of the oven.  If you're forced to wait, make sure to warm them up.  We had them this morning without being warm and they simply aren't as good!

http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2007/06/cinammon_rolls_

Menu

Monday ~ cubed steaks, mashed potatoes, green beans

Tuesday ~ spaghetti & salad (make extra sauce for freezer!)

Wednesday ~ sausages, kraut, applesauce, cabbage salad (make extra sausage for later in week)

Thursday ~ chicken salad, crusty bread

Friday ~ grilled rock fish, spinach salad, risotto

Saturday ~ sausage-potato soup, carrots, fruit slices

Sunday ~ stew

Monday ~ garden quiche, fruit kabobs

Tuesday ~ french dips, broccoli florets, pear slices

Wednesday ~ chicken rice soup & bread

Thursday ~ steaks, oven potatoes, salad w/ranch

Friday ~ mac-n-cheese, pears, roasted broccoli

Saturday ~ meatballs, mashed potatoes, peas & carrots

Sunday ~ lasagna (extra pan or two for freezer)

Where Oh Where Did My Little Boy Go?

I found this kid vacuuming Dom's room last week.  I had to wonder where my five-year-old was, especially when the boy was found on his knees vacuuming under the heaters because, "It is just so dirty!"